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Subtitles: swsub.com (1.01)
Transcript: SimonP
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You wouldn't steal a handbag.
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You wouldn't steal a car.
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You wouldn't steal a baby.
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You wouldn't shoot a policeman...
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and then steal his helmet.
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You wouldn't
go to the toilet in his helmet...
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And then send it to the
policeman's grieving widow...
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00:00:59,731 --> 00:01:01,415
And then steal it again!
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00:01:04,746 --> 00:01:07,300
Downloading films is stealing.
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If you do it,
you will face the consequences.
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Man, these anti-piracy ads
are getting really mean.
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I think we're sitting
too close to the screen.
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- The floor's all sticky over here.
- Allright, let's move back then.
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- I still think we're too close.
- Well, then sit in the sink.
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I'm not sitting in the sink again.
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OK, princess.
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Your flat is way too
small for this telly...
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That's fantastic.
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- What's wrong, now?
- I need to go to the toilet.
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Well, then go.
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I'll hold it in.
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- Hello?
- Hello, Roy.
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- Hello, Jeff.
- No, Roy,
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you know I changed my name
by deed poll...
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- I'm not calling you Dominator.
- But I am Dominator!
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- Whatever. I'm not calling you it.
- Forget it.
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Now... listen, I was just wondering,
have you seen the new Tarantino film?
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- I'm just about to watch it, Jeff.
- I have already seen it!
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Anyway, at the end,
there's a very unusual twist.
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Now I know there's a twist.
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I'm gonna spend the whole film guessing
what it is. Damn you, Dominator.
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- Just try and forget there's a twist.
- How can you forget there's a twist?
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What's wrong with it now? Come on.
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If I don't see this film today,
Jeff'll find out some way
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of telling me what the twist is,
I know he will. Come on!
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Work!
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Look, I have to go.
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Moss?
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- What's up with you?
- I can't do this anymore!
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Do what? What are you talking about?
Let me help...
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- Back off.
- We're just watching the film, Moss.
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- Come on, can't you see it?
- See what, Moss?
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We go to a film, sometimes the pub,
maybe get some dinner,
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but it just goes on and on,
year in, year out. We're stagnating!
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You make it sound like
we're an old married couple.
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But we are. Can't you see?
You're my wife, Roy!
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You're my wife. My wife!
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We should have married ladies
but we married each other.
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- You're my wife!
- Stop calling me your wife.
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You're my wife, Roy,
and I can't take it any more.
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If anything, I'm the husband.
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What's this? What's this?
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- Come on.
- We don't even have ventilation here.
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- I'll stand over here.
- I don't care.
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I don't wanna go out on the street.
It's too...
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Soviet out there.
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- Soviet?
- Yes.
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It's cold, everyone looks oppressed.
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You know,
I remember when smoking was fun.
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All the cool kids were doing it.
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Every time I want a cigarette now
I have to go to Gorky Park.
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- Don't answer that!
- Why?
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I know who it is.
It's a man called Dominator
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who wants to tell me the twist in a film
I've been waiting to see for ages.
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- Don't answer it.
- Dominator?
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- His name is Jeff Hawthorne.
- We must answer the phone.
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No, we don't.
Look, he'll give up in a second.
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I know Jeff. He'll need to go
to the toilet in about another 2 rings.
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- We're answering the phone.
- We are not answering the phones.
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- You all right, Moss?
- I've got the blues, Jen.
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Why?
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Well, Roy and I are becoming
like an old married couple.
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Will you please stop saying that?
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And I'm the husband!
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We just seem to do the same thing
day in, day out.
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I'm stagnating, Jen,
like a packet of crisps on the roof.
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It seems to me the problem is that
you two spend too much time together.
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You should get out there
meet other people.
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Other people?
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Yes.
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You mean people other than Roy?
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Well, yes.
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And these "other people",
where do they congregate?
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I don't know, you could do
an evening class or something.
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Hold on a second.
What exactly am I supposed to do
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while she's out gallivanting
at her night classes and whatnot?
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You could meet other people as well.
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Yeah. I don't like people.
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Well, now that's not fair, Roy.
Have you met all of them?
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I've met enough of them.
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People!
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What a bunch of bastards!
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Stephanie? Yes, hello.
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Of course... OK. Bye.
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I'm off.
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- Douglas is coming down.
- Douglas? Why?
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Well, to be honest with you,
he's been making advances.
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You know, things like
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asking me if I wanna go
for a ride in his helicopter.
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- I wanna go for a ride in a helicopter.
- Well, grow a pair of tits.
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Tell you what, if I did have tits,
I wouldn't mind
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letting someone have a go on them
for a ride in a helicopter.
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Look who it is, everyone.
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It's only me.
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Jen, do you have a moment?
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No, I'm very busy. I don't wanna
go for a ride in a helicopter.
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- That wasn't what I was gonna ask.
- What d'you want, then?
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Something work-related?
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- What department is this?
- Sorry?
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If it's work-related, obviously,
you'll know what department this is.
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What department is this?
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Some sort of homosexual department?
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It's IT!
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IT. I knew that, yes.
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That's what I wanted, actually.
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You see, my computer's broken
and I need someone to fix it.
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Roy's your man.
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How do you fellas get any work done
with a hot piece
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of finger-licking chicken like that?
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Me? I'd be a 24-hour tripod.
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Watch this, it looks good.
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I've actually been
looking forward to seeing this.
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Yeah? You wanna come round to mine?
We can watch it there.
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I gotta pretty nifty home cinema system.
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Mine is broken but I think
that maybe I'll just watch it...
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Excellent, that's settled!
Seven o'clock tonight.
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I'll get my PA to phone you
with my name and address.
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Whoa, there.
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That's not my office.
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Well, what's good for the goose
is good for the gander.
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And I'm the gander!
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I hear the ballet in Prague
is excellent this season.
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- Hello, Yorg.
- Hello, Jen.
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Terrible isn't it?
Every year it gets worse.
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First they take away
our smoking room,
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then they push us outside.
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I wonder when they will decide
to get it over with and kill us.
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Yorg...
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Such a pessimist.
141
00:09:07,289 --> 00:09:08,801
- Has he gone?
- Has who gone?
142
00:09:09,101 --> 00:09:10,106
Bruce Wayne.
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He's long gone, although
Roy's got a man date with him.
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It is not a man date.
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I am not a man-woman,
we are not married, I am not your wife!
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You'd willingly spend time
with Douglas?
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I really have to see this film soon.
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By the way, I took your advice
about those evening classes.
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- I'm gonna learn how to cook.
- Oh, I'm so pleased, Moss!
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And I have to say women do love a cook.
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Well, answered an ad online.
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This time next month, when you want
German cuisine, I'm your man.
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German cuisine?
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Is German cuisine not good?
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No. Sounds fine.
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There's nothing more romantic
than a glass of wine and some...
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... Schweinefleisch.
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Good, because usually when I try
something new it ends up a disaster.
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I got a reply to my advertisement.
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Maurice Moss.
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He sounds delicious!
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Guten Abend. I mean hello.
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- Hello. I'm Moss.
- Yes, yes. I'm Johann.
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Come in, come in.
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Nice TV.
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Good distance from the sofa.
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00:10:55,999 --> 00:10:57,813
Would you like a drink?
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00:10:58,194 --> 00:10:59,557
White Russian, please.
169
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- I don't know that. How do you make it?
- I don't know.
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We might as well get to it.
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00:11:05,261 --> 00:11:06,553
Really? Gosh.
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So eager, so brave.
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Well, once I've made up my mind
to do something, that's it.
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00:11:12,583 --> 00:11:15,849
- That's very admirable.
- So just do whatever you want with me,
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I'm ready for anything.
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Well, right! I will I suppose...
Take your clothes off,
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- and we'll get started.
- Right.
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00:11:26,187 --> 00:11:28,875
- So how long does this course last?
- Sorry?
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00:11:29,038 --> 00:11:31,699
- How long does this course last?
- Course, what course?
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- Hang on, take my clothes off?
- Yes.
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00:11:36,866 --> 00:11:39,466
- Sorry. I'm confused.
- Well, so am I.
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What did you think this was?
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Well, I was going to eat you.
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I may have misheard you there.
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Did you just say
that you were going to eat me?
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- Right, you did say that.
- Yes.
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00:11:57,253 --> 00:12:00,398
- Yeah, no, I'm here for the cookery.
- No, this is the cookery.
188
00:12:01,141 --> 00:12:03,371
Look, I've got your advert here.
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00:12:04,479 --> 00:12:05,766
I printed it out.
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00:12:08,049 --> 00:12:09,465
"I want to cook with you."
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00:12:10,231 --> 00:12:12,522
No, my English is not so good...
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00:12:14,721 --> 00:12:17,518
You want to cook with me,
using me, you mean.
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00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:20,049
Ah yes! Yes. You see.
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00:12:20,580 --> 00:12:23,766
I see where the confusion was.
I thought this was a cookery course.
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00:12:26,359 --> 00:12:29,687
But you wanted someone who would
agree to let you kill and eat them.
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00:12:30,832 --> 00:12:32,527
Ja! You see?
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00:12:32,669 --> 00:12:34,091
That is funny.
198
00:12:36,389 --> 00:12:38,996
So you're not interested?
199
00:12:39,191 --> 00:12:40,890
No, thanks, it's not for me.
200
00:12:48,228 --> 00:12:49,641
How disappointing.
201
00:12:51,201 --> 00:12:54,118
I'm sorry, Johann,
this must be such a let down.
202
00:12:56,636 --> 00:12:59,620
Had my tonsils out last month,
I could have kept them.
203
00:13:03,098 --> 00:13:04,930
I feel like such a turnip.
204
00:13:07,117 --> 00:13:09,364
- Do you want to watch a film?
- OK.
205
00:13:09,598 --> 00:13:12,314
- I have Ocean's Eleven.
- Original or remake?
206
00:13:14,563 --> 00:13:17,926
Well, yeah, you could come over here,
we could put on some music,
207
00:13:18,226 --> 00:13:20,792
I could give you a back rub,
see what happens.
208
00:13:21,615 --> 00:13:24,747
Oh, no, wait, I've got this guy
coming over to watch a DVD.
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00:13:24,940 --> 00:13:26,533
Another time, maybe. OK.
210
00:13:26,745 --> 00:13:28,948
And some chicken wings, please.
Thank you.
211
00:13:33,319 --> 00:13:35,105
There's somebody at the door!
212
00:13:35,328 --> 00:13:36,894
There's somebody at the door!
213
00:13:37,274 --> 00:13:39,159
There's somebody at the door!
214
00:13:42,703 --> 00:13:44,137
Hey, it's my G!
215
00:13:46,181 --> 00:13:49,402
- I'm really sorry I was late. It was...
- It's cool.
216
00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:52,665
You know, we should
do this sort of thing more often.
217
00:13:52,913 --> 00:13:55,754
I hate the whole boss/employee
thing, don't you?
218
00:13:56,347 --> 00:13:58,900
- Yeah.
- You wanna seal the deal with a high 5?
219
00:14:00,630 --> 00:14:01,634
Yes.
220
00:14:06,474 --> 00:14:08,213
So, what are we watching?
221
00:14:08,372 --> 00:14:11,709
It's a Tarantino produced,
South Korean zombie movie.
222
00:14:12,221 --> 00:14:15,867
I didn't know there was a South Korea.
OK, put it on.
223
00:14:17,887 --> 00:14:21,100
I've ordered pizza and chicken wings
and there's a cooler beside you,
224
00:14:21,256 --> 00:14:23,860
- so help yourself to beer.
- Don't mind if I do?
225
00:14:35,556 --> 00:14:38,724
I've heard of this flick.
There's a twist in it, isn't there?
226
00:14:40,034 --> 00:14:43,037
Yeah. Just... just try and forget that
227
00:14:43,763 --> 00:14:46,246
and hopefully we'll still be able
to enjoy it.
228
00:14:46,749 --> 00:14:48,377
I bet he's a woman, that bloke.
229
00:14:48,784 --> 00:14:52,059
No, you think it's the future,
but it's actually set in the past.
230
00:14:52,660 --> 00:14:53,881
It's not Earth.
231
00:14:54,518 --> 00:14:56,598
- It's all a dream.
- Oh, could you not...
232
00:14:56,739 --> 00:14:58,511
Could you not try
233
00:14:59,286 --> 00:15:03,461
and guess what the twist is? It's just
that might get a little annoying.
234
00:15:04,172 --> 00:15:07,125
But isn't that half the fun,
trying to guess the twist?
235
00:15:08,086 --> 00:15:11,901
Personally, I think it...
It kind of, it ruins the fun.
236
00:15:13,069 --> 00:15:14,892
Well, I think it makes it more fun.
237
00:15:15,769 --> 00:15:18,412
- It's just I don't.
- Well, I do,
238
00:15:19,388 --> 00:15:21,164
and I'm the boss.
239
00:15:22,131 --> 00:15:23,689
I'm your boss.
240
00:15:31,831 --> 00:15:34,593
They're all clones.
He's his own brother.
241
00:15:35,182 --> 00:15:36,504
Everyone's a ghost.
242
00:15:37,856 --> 00:15:39,960
Have you still not seen the film yet?
243
00:15:41,411 --> 00:15:42,668
What's that?
244
00:15:43,146 --> 00:15:44,153
What?
245
00:15:44,336 --> 00:15:46,832
It's cold and I'm going out
for a cigarette.
246
00:15:48,319 --> 00:15:50,283
Morning. You must be Jen's mother.
247
00:15:52,079 --> 00:15:53,708
What a night I had last night.
248
00:15:53,938 --> 00:15:57,814
- Yes, the cookery, how was it?
- I am so embarrassed,
249
00:15:58,238 --> 00:16:01,203
- I cannot tell you.
- What happened?
250
00:16:01,802 --> 00:16:03,961
It wasn't a cookery class at all.
251
00:16:04,722 --> 00:16:06,802
- What was it?
- He wrote it down wrong,
252
00:16:06,943 --> 00:16:09,594
- cause his English isn't very good.
- Always the way.
253
00:16:09,734 --> 00:16:13,253
And it turns out he didn't want
to teach me how to cook...
254
00:16:14,423 --> 00:16:16,492
He wanted to cook me!
255
00:16:22,852 --> 00:16:23,861
What?
256
00:16:25,258 --> 00:16:26,817
He wanted to eat me!
257
00:16:27,251 --> 00:16:31,019
I know egg and my face
were in alignment.
258
00:16:34,481 --> 00:16:36,277
- He wanted to eat you?
- Yes.
259
00:16:37,990 --> 00:16:40,149
He's one of those German cannibals.
260
00:16:41,353 --> 00:16:43,512
He is and he was such a nice man.
261
00:16:43,848 --> 00:16:45,097
- Was he?
- Yeah.
262
00:16:45,286 --> 00:16:47,251
He was a Fine Young Cannibal.
263
00:16:49,433 --> 00:16:51,058
Hang on...
264
00:16:51,253 --> 00:16:52,850
He wanted to eat you?
265
00:16:53,007 --> 00:16:54,246
Yeah, keep up Jen.
266
00:16:55,649 --> 00:16:57,712
So we had a laugh about it
and in the end,
267
00:16:57,889 --> 00:17:01,358
I didn't really feel like being eaten,
so we just watched Ocean's Eleven.
268
00:17:01,641 --> 00:17:03,127
Original or remake?
269
00:17:03,345 --> 00:17:06,088
Is that really the most
important question? I... hang on,
270
00:17:06,229 --> 00:17:08,682
- You watched a film with him?
- Yes.
271
00:17:08,866 --> 00:17:11,406
- With the man that wanted to eat you?
- Who else?
272
00:17:11,583 --> 00:17:14,521
- Why didn't you call the police?
- Why would I call the police?
273
00:17:14,701 --> 00:17:16,117
He wanted to eat you!
274
00:17:16,388 --> 00:17:19,911
Only with my consent and, believe me,
my consent was not forthcoming.
275
00:17:20,503 --> 00:17:22,078
- Good for you, Moss.
- But...
276
00:17:22,644 --> 00:17:24,573
eating people is illegal!
277
00:17:25,032 --> 00:17:27,811
- Only without their consent.
- No, Moss, no.
278
00:17:27,979 --> 00:17:31,465
- It's a grey area, give me that.
- I knew something was askew.
279
00:17:31,810 --> 00:17:33,457
Who ever heard of German food?
280
00:17:34,668 --> 00:17:36,729
You should see his place,
it's incredible.
281
00:17:36,870 --> 00:17:38,772
He's got a great system, 50" TV.
282
00:17:39,308 --> 00:17:40,317
Really?
283
00:17:43,437 --> 00:17:45,384
Maybe we could watch the film
at his place!
284
00:17:45,649 --> 00:17:46,696
I don't know,
285
00:17:46,836 --> 00:17:49,430
he's only really interested
in people he can eventually eat.
286
00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:53,466
- Tell him he can eat me!
- Are... you insane?
287
00:17:53,625 --> 00:17:55,255
You've got to call the police.
288
00:17:55,397 --> 00:17:58,264
Jen, don't be such
an old fuddy-duddy.
289
00:17:59,149 --> 00:18:00,831
The world has changed.
290
00:18:00,984 --> 00:18:04,648
If two grown men can't make
a pervert happy for a few minutes
291
00:18:05,037 --> 00:18:07,673
in order to watch a film
about zombies,
292
00:18:07,813 --> 00:18:10,539
then maybe we should all just move
to Iran.
293
00:18:12,043 --> 00:18:15,378
I don't know, Roy. It does seem
a little immoral to mislead him.
294
00:18:15,538 --> 00:18:17,502
But then, as Jen pointed out earlier,
295
00:18:17,661 --> 00:18:19,652
being a cannibal's
a little immoral too.
296
00:18:21,416 --> 00:18:23,083
I'm in an ethical pickle.
297
00:18:24,574 --> 00:18:27,391
Turns out meeting new people
is a lot more complicated
298
00:18:27,534 --> 00:18:29,215
than I'd originally thought.
299
00:18:35,727 --> 00:18:36,931
- Yen!
- Yorg.
300
00:18:37,249 --> 00:18:39,400
What are you doing?
You cannot smoke here.
301
00:18:39,577 --> 00:18:41,453
They are moving us
to a new smoking area.
302
00:18:41,860 --> 00:18:45,152
- So the rumours were true...
- Quickly, before they see you.
303
00:19:39,608 --> 00:19:40,882
What are you doing?
304
00:19:41,089 --> 00:19:42,487
It's over, Yorg.
305
00:19:43,184 --> 00:19:44,830
We must fight them, Yen.
306
00:19:44,989 --> 00:19:48,653
We must all fight them. We must
keep smoking until the bitter end!
307
00:19:49,002 --> 00:19:52,243
Yorg. Yorg, such fire.
308
00:19:53,926 --> 00:19:56,475
I am too tired for revolution.
309
00:19:57,731 --> 00:19:59,547
And we've walked f****** miles.
310
00:20:02,477 --> 00:20:03,717
Goodbye, Yorg.
311
00:20:09,194 --> 00:20:10,220
Taxi!
312
00:20:12,650 --> 00:20:14,483
- Let's not fight again.
- No.
313
00:20:14,890 --> 00:20:17,446
And look, we're out,
we're meeting people.
314
00:20:17,634 --> 00:20:18,634
Yes.
315
00:20:24,794 --> 00:20:27,313
- You were a bit wonky.
- Thanks, dear.
316
00:20:28,146 --> 00:20:29,609
Hello!
317
00:20:29,951 --> 00:20:31,784
Hello! How wonderful!
318
00:20:31,951 --> 00:20:34,118
Johann, this is Roy. Roy, this is Johann.
319
00:20:34,284 --> 00:20:36,366
Hello Johann. I brought dessert!
320
00:20:37,477 --> 00:20:39,792
Come in. Come in. Ja.
321
00:20:41,366 --> 00:20:42,922
- This is lovely!
- Yes!
322
00:20:43,255 --> 00:20:44,607
Yes. Lovely.
323
00:20:48,384 --> 00:20:49,690
Isn't this nice!
324
00:20:50,004 --> 00:20:52,902
So we'll watch the film, then
I'll tell him I changed my mind.
325
00:20:53,680 --> 00:20:54,841
Lovely and...
326
00:20:56,588 --> 00:20:58,094
Now, that's a guitar.
327
00:20:59,552 --> 00:21:00,922
So, Roy,
328
00:21:01,237 --> 00:21:03,830
has Moss explained to you...
329
00:21:04,846 --> 00:21:06,772
- ... my desires?
- He has indeed.
330
00:21:06,991 --> 00:21:09,714
- And are you interested?
- I'm very interested.
331
00:21:10,547 --> 00:21:11,584
Splendid!
332
00:21:12,269 --> 00:21:14,458
Moss, if you will excuse us?
333
00:21:14,732 --> 00:21:16,973
- Do you eat in here?
- Yes, this way, please.
334
00:21:18,475 --> 00:21:21,141
But didn't you want to watch
the film that I have here?
335
00:21:23,548 --> 00:21:25,225
I'd completely forgotten.
336
00:21:25,392 --> 00:21:29,184
There was that film that I wanted
to watch before Johann ate me.
337
00:21:30,670 --> 00:21:32,810
- That's right.
- There it is there now.
338
00:21:32,957 --> 00:21:35,309
- Yes.
- So you want to watch a film?
339
00:21:35,511 --> 00:21:37,292
- Yes, thanks.
- Is that OK?
340
00:21:38,362 --> 00:21:40,854
- Yes, of course.
- I'll put it on.
341
00:21:45,711 --> 00:21:47,018
Is it very long?
342
00:21:47,703 --> 00:21:48,821
Two hours, 20.
343
00:21:54,281 --> 00:21:55,633
No, I'll wait.
344
00:21:58,544 --> 00:22:01,061
- You wouldn't steal a handbag...
- These piracy warnings...
345
00:22:02,197 --> 00:22:03,540
Tell me about it.
346
00:22:04,598 --> 00:22:05,614
What now?
347
00:22:08,910 --> 00:22:12,481
You wouldn't shoot a policeman,
then steal his helmet...
348
00:22:12,728 --> 00:22:14,990
Hello, there. Yes, can I help you?
349
00:22:15,157 --> 00:22:17,338
Police! Don't move!
350
00:22:22,886 --> 00:22:25,701
If my mother thinks I'm a cannibal,
I'll be for the high jump.
351
00:22:25,868 --> 00:22:28,460
For once, can we please
not bring your mother into it.
352
00:22:28,627 --> 00:22:29,792
Here we go again!
353
00:22:36,033 --> 00:22:37,163
Well, boys,
354
00:22:38,496 --> 00:22:41,162
we're in a bit of a
sticky situation, aren't we?
355
00:22:46,685 --> 00:22:48,148
Where d'you get this film?
356
00:22:50,333 --> 00:22:53,525
This is an illegal copy of a film.
357
00:22:58,303 --> 00:23:00,590
Are you not worried
that we might be cannibals?
358
00:23:01,016 --> 00:23:02,016
Cannibals?
359
00:23:02,508 --> 00:23:04,230
The man who was with us
360
00:23:04,915 --> 00:23:06,471
is a cannibal.
361
00:23:07,205 --> 00:23:09,980
- He was going to eat me.
- Well, it's not really my area.
362
00:23:10,499 --> 00:23:12,849
I do copyright violation,
that sort of thing,
363
00:23:13,016 --> 00:23:14,395
but I'll let someone know.
364
00:23:14,571 --> 00:23:16,052
Anyway!
365
00:23:16,969 --> 00:23:18,368
Where d'you get this?
366
00:23:22,132 --> 00:23:23,559
Interesting film.
367
00:23:24,744 --> 00:23:28,322
Who'd have thought at the end
that bloke turned out to be the...
0
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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